Galesburg, IL-

Since this bizarre case involves an altercation between two minors, the names of the boys could not be released to the press.  But one eyewitness gives the following account of what happened:

“The first boy was just practicing his fly casting in the parking lot when the second one came up on his bike and started heckling him,” says the witness to the Galesburg apartment complex incident who declined to be named because he is a neighbor of the boys and their families.

“He was riding circles around him and laughing-saying stuff like, ‘What do you think you’re doing?  You can’t catch fish on dry land.’”  

But, according to the source, when he looked out his apartment window again the boys appeared to be engaged “in what looked like an innocent lesson on fly casting.”

“They were just throwing the line with no hook on the end or anything.  It looked like the fishing kid was letting bike boy try out the rod.”

Things turned violent moments later when “the fishing kid” asked for a turn on the other boy’s bike.

“He yelled, ‘No way, freak.  Maybe you should have asked for a bike for Christmas instead of some stupid old fishing rod,” continues the source.  “Then he rode away fast.”

That’s when the first boy turned and began casting the rod furiously overhead. 

“I’ve dabbled in fly fishing in the past and clearly what the kid was doing in fly fishing parlance is called ‘a double-haul’,” says the witness, adding that the technique is a semi-advanced method of big-water casting typically used by master anglers when throwing big flies long distances and in high wind.

With a flick of the wrist, the boy shot the line forward ‘like a laser beam.” 

“He gauged the distance perfectly-I’d guess around 40 feet-snapping his wrist at the last second to bring the line over and down across the bike boy’s face.  I heard a-Crack!-like a bullwhip and the kid on the bike cried ‘Oooooo’, the bike wobbled, and he was down.”

The result of the fly rod altercation was a nasty, red welt across the victim’s face and visit from police for the perpetrator.        

“But I’ll tell you-I live here,” says the witness.  “That kid on the bike is an annoying little piece of suburban shit.  The only way it could have been better in my opinion is if he’d gotten hit with one of those barrel-eyed Clouser minnows…without the hook, of course.”

    “Except in name, our upcoming line of fleece parkas, pants, and coats promises to be essentially no different than the other lines of camouflage fleece garments Cabela’s have offered its customers in recent years,” says Jamee Guggenmos, Cabela’s Hunting Project Manager.  “We just can’t seem to figure out what to call the stuff.”

That poses a big problem.  According to Guggenmos, a recent demographics and market study backs up what Cabela’s now 1.5 billion in annual revenue has long suggested:

While hunters are an easy mark for companies selling ultra-expensive and extraneous junk, getting them to open their wallets is actually 100 times easier when they are fooled into believing the product they’re wasting money on is new in some way.

In most cases, that’s accomplished by simply “updating” the same old product by slapping the latest camouflage pattern on it.  But in the hunting garment industry, says Guggenmos, it gets a little more tricky.

    “You need a catchy new name,” he says.  “Demographic studies show that hunters and their money are soon parted when words like ‘ultimate’ and ‘revolutionary’ are used in any product description.”

Unfortunately, Cabela’s customers have already seen their Revolution™ Fleece and Revolution™ Fleece Dry-Plus® line of products.  There’s also Super Slam® Elite™ Fleece, Outfitter’s Fleece, Outfitter’s Wooltimate™ Fleece, Legacy Fleece™.

    “Complicating matters even further,” says Guggenmos, “are garment lines like Cabela’s Gore-Tex MT050® Whitetail Extreme™ Insulated Clothing and Cabela’s Ultimate Suede™.  We designed these lines to be every bit as quiet and warm as fleece.  But they are not fleece.  Well, actually they are the same but different.  Think of it as fleece that isn’t really fleece.”

With the fall catalog season right around the corner and their “Master Fall Catalog” soon to go to press, time is running out.  Two names are currently being talked about at Cabela’s headquarters in Sidney—“Stalker X-Treme Fleece” and “Super Mega Ultimate Revolution X-Treme Fleece.”

    “It could come down to what fits better on the label, since that’s really the only substantial change in this new line,” Guggenmos says.

PROVIDENCE, RI -

    “This is the hottest destination for dove hunting in the Northeast. Every dove hunter in America should feel pretty betrayed by this,” says Chet Ortega, a Rhone Island hunting guide.

Ortega, who has owned and operated Ocean State Dove Shooters from the Narragansett Bay since 1985, bemoaned the thought of losing his livelyhood.

    “This bill will put me and the one other dove hunting guide in the state completely out of business. They don’t realize how the dove flock is tied to the purse strings of our local economy. Hunters from all over the world come right here, to Rhode Island, just for our famous dove shooting. Everyone knows about it.  I’ve got clients traveling from as far away as Argentina!”

Not only will the local economy likely suffer, but so will major ammunition manufacturers. The nation’s top shotshell producer, Federal Premium, definitely has its eye on the political climate in Rhode Island right now.

    “Eliminating dove hunting in Rhode Island would be like saying there’s no Christmas shopping season to Wal-Mart this year,” says Tom Bodenchek, Federal’s Director of Wad Conformity.  “Federal stands to lose a lot of money.  And, of course, hunters and their children across America stand to lose a great hunting opportunity.”

The research, dubbed “The Patterson Study”,  is the first of its kind and is already prompting new way of thinking when it comes to hunting and fishing in the United States.  Patterson’s three-year study was both exhaustive and scientific. White males make up 92% of the total, blacks 4%, Hispanics 2%, and 1.5% other with a standard deviation of .5%.

“In addition to personal observation and anecdotal evidence, I sampled the memberships of organizations such as the NRA,The North American Hunting Club, The Sierra Club, and Bass Masters to examine various demographics”, explained Patterson. “Then it was a matter of crunching the numbers to determine the breakdown.”

Following on the heels of the racially slanderous comments from “shock jock” Don Imus, The Patterson Study could mean trouble for the outdoors community since no group or organization wants to be seen as totally dominated by whites these days.

Reverend Al Sharpton, Host of “The Al Sharpton Show” already challenged The Patterson Study and demanded that Patterson appear on his radio talk show to apologize.  Patterson has so far declined, which prompted Sharpton to call him a “lab-suit wearing cracker” on air.  Sharpton went on to rail against “gun-toting tobacco chewing honkeys” who seek to keep “his ebony brothers and sisters.”

“There’s whites-only signs hanging in the trees and over the streams of America,” Sharpton said.  “You can’t see them.  But they’re there.”

Patterson says the science speaks for itself and that he was as surprised as anyone by the results.

“I always had the perception that hunting and fishing had no racial component.  I mean, who would have thought that most sportsmen are white? I’ve spent my fair share of time in a bass boat and a treestand and never had a clue.”

The ramifications from The Patterson Study could be huge.  Marketing experts from firms such as Cabela’s, L.L. Bean, and Bass Pro are already in a race to gear their efforts in order to garner sales from what appears to be a new demographic: White guys.

A Cabela’s representive who declined to be named due to the sensitive nature of this story, revealed that products such as Cabela’s Flannel-Lined Flat-Front Chinos will need to be targeted for the new market. Other products such as “The Bull Stool”, an all-terrain adjustable seat, may actually need to be completely redesigned.

Columbus, GA-

When cornered in his enclosed shooting box, Waddell claims that (Jordan) reneged on their deal with a loophole clause and traded him Team Mossy Oak.

Realtree camster Bill Jordan stated the “free-agent” clause enabled the trade.

“Waddell was just too expensive”, said Jordan, “and could not consistently kill one-hundred-seventy-class bucks.  The best we could get out of this guy was bucks in the one-forrties and that just does not cut it for my team.  Plus, his fan approval rating dropped five points with that choke-and-miss on a lowly doe on the hunting reality show Realtree Roadtrips.  That was the impetus for the trade.”

Waddell is optimistic about the trade.

“I expect this Mossy Oak pattern will help me kill more (big bucks),” Waddell said.

A pyor where Waddell’s former Realtree duds were burned and later scattered was also discovered at the interview.

“It’s part of my new Mossy Oak contract,” said Waddell. “I can’t be seen in that Realtree stuff anymore.  And they mean it!”

Mossy Oak President Toxey Hass made sure Waddell was well appointed in the brand including everything from tube socks to Mossy Oak sweat bands.

When questioned about his new acquisition Hass made it clear that “making it with Mossy” won’t be easy.

“Michael is standing in some tall shadows over here at Mossy Oak. I hope the boys’ a shooter cuz we ain’t play’n.”

HANSON, MA

“There was a tremendous amount of discussion about it”, said club President Arnie Rosenthal. “We used cutting-edge brainstorming techniques to come up with the design.  It was really a joint effort.  Everyone pitched in on this one”.

The logo, which portrays a rod and gun, also sports a hunting dog, a non-descript game fish, and a pheasant.

“The rod and gun really stand for something,” continued Rosenthal.  “From there it was a natural progression to go with an artist’s rendition of a hunting dog and pheasant.  There was some debate among the guys as to what breed of dog to include and whether to add a pheasant or a duck.  We finally agreed on the pheasant.”

          The Trout Underground, a popular fly fishing blog (www.troutunderground.com), picked up on the story and called it “a hilarious contention.”  Tom Chandler, the creator of The Trout Underground, went further by saying this was “more shocking proof of drug abuse by fly fishing writers.”

“I gaze at the piles of expensive fly tying materials, expensive hackles, machined HMH vise, chemically sharpened hooks and several-lifetimes-supply of hen necks cluttering my office,” wrote Chandler, “and wonder what our friend John has been smoking.”

          Dean Stempka, 48, told friends the deer he killed on opening day of the season was simply “one for the freezer.”  Days later, a picture surfaced of Stempka posing with a yearling whitetail described by one acquaintance as “no bigger than a collie dog.”

          The photo then landed on a popular hunting website and drew ridicule from many hunters who questioned why Stempka would “waste a tag on something so small.”

Instead of offering an apology, Stempka posted a stunning on-line message to board critics where he admitted to routinely passing up “bigger, more mature antlerless deer” in favor of filling his tags with yearlings.  He claimed it made the best biological sense when the goal is a healthy deer herd, not just in
Maryland, but anywhere an overabundance of whitetails can be found.

“And as an added bonus,” Stempka concluded, “the meat tastes like veal.”

On-line posters accused Stempka of “educating himself.”  Other said he had been “brain brainwashed by biologists” and “those turds always pushing for Quality Deer Management.”