Outdoor Underground Presents...

WASHINGTON D.C. - Unnamed military sources say the drop in violent attacks and deadly suicide bombings in Iraq is linked to the deployment of a new, super-secret fighting force.

The number of bomb attacks in Iraq has dropped from 3,239 in March to 1,560 in November, the lowest level since September 2005.

According to sources, the primary mission of the rednecks–deployed back in February to patrol Iraq’s shared border with Iran–is to halt the smuggling of Iranian explosives and other weapons now flooding Baghdad and the hostile neighbors that surround the heavily fortified Green Zone.

If the rumors are true, the ultra-secret deployment seems to be working.

While no one at the Pentagon or the Joint Special Operations Command will go on record confirming or denying the existence of the United States Redneck Special Forces, a high-ranking source says that if such a force did exist that the 500-members who make up the clandestine unit are all pretty much all volunteers.

“They’re all pretty much volunteers,” says a high-ranking source.

Better still, say rumors, the United States military has spent very little time and effort training them.

“There are some in Washington who believe there’s an inexhaustible supply of rednecks in America,” says one recently retired army general from the Combat Application Group (an arm of the Department of Defense). “They’re relative competent in the outdoors and in handling firearms. While they are generally lazy, rednecks are typically easy to provoke and eager to fight if given the proper motivation.”

If reports are true, the rednecks were deployed with an unlimited supply of ammunition and told only that “terrorist season” opened the next day. According to reports, they were also told that there is no bag limit (on terrorists), that they (the terrorists) taste like chicken, and that those “towel-head bastards” don’t like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.