Outdoor Underground Presents...

by Barry Brubaker 

It’s finally here: The Season.  Oh no, I’m not referring to “the glorious 12th” or the first day of dove season—it’s catalogue season! And if there’s one thing Barry knows, it’s fine gear and accruements, the items that are necessary—nay, I say, essential—for any successful upland outing.

This past week marked the beginning of The Season with the arrival of my Kevin’s catalogue.  In addition to the color-print version of the catalogue, the fine folks at Kevin’s, God bless them, provide me with a timely email alerts to inform me of “must have” items such as a pair of Kevin’s Plain Front Men’s Seersucker Pants (in light blue $47.40), which happen to pair smartly with their Bi-Swing Tattersall Shirt ($43.20).  Both of the aforementioned items were promptly ordered and will be worn at the upcoming Ruffed Grouse Society Banquet in September.  And Barry doesn’t order online. That would defeat the purpose of owning a Filson “Leather Checkbook Cover($89.50)” (which came packaged in a white box suitable for presentation as a gift…thank you very much).

Mr. Filson also saw fit to stuff my mailbox with his latest offerings via his fall catalogue. Upon arrival of this precious gem I saw fit to steal away to my den for a private viewing.  I lit a Macanudo and settled into my rich, leather chair (with matching leather ottoman) and began to browse.  Strangely, it was de ja vu. Although this catalogue was in fact “new,” the offerings seemed to be no different than the last six fall catalogues I’ve received from them…Hmm, quite odd.

Nevertheless, after surveying the offerings it became clear that I simply must have an “Original Hunting Vest” (Style 032-$179.50) and a pair of matching “Tin Cloth pants (Style 069-$115).”  But how to keep those pants cinch upon my ample waist.  A Filson “Double Ranger Belt” ($59.50) or “Tab Suspenders ($49.50)?”  Perhaps.  What a confounding yet oddly exciting dilemma!

While pondering the possibilities—What selection exactly would yield the most favorable comments from my hunting companions?—my pheasant hunting associate “Kyle” phoned to alert me of his receipt of a hardbound Cabela’s “Master Book.” Little did Kyle know but I’d already received that monstrosity myself and tucked it away in a pile with my other lowbrow catalogues—Mack’s Prairie Wings and (Egad!) The Sportsman’s Guide. You see, Kyle has no taste.  But even worse, he is the sort of working class, blue-collar, wannabe cretin who thinks he does. 

This fellow thinks it’s suitable to march around the pheasant fields wearing some tawdry offering from Columbia or something of the sort. It’s quite embarrassing, actually. But since Kyle has private access to 3,000 acres of private CRP ground in central Iowa, I put up with these things.    

At any rate, after deciding to purchase both the belt AND the Filson suspenders I realized that my footwear was due for replacement.  From thrashing the bloody hell out of Kyle’s lease last season, my Gokey® boots($298) incurred an inordinate number of cuts, creases, and scuffs.  And my backup Filson “Uplander” boots ($327.50) gave my right heel a blister.  So, naturally, a couple new pairs of boots were in order.  I promptly ordered a pair of Le Chameau “Chasseurs” (with dressing to protect the rubber and rejuvenate the surface finish $369) from Stafford’s of Thomasville, while for Saturdays at the gun club and whimsical walks in the woods I finally decided on a pair of Westley Richards “Selous” boots ($285).

Of course, the thought of the gun club sent me scrambling for my Orvis® Hunting Book, which I’d carefully stored in a protective sleeve by my nightstand. The thought of not having one of their “Heirloom Shell Holsters ($149)” had been nagging me for months, so I at last phoned in the order requesting it be embossed with the initials “B.M.B.”

While on the phone with the order girl, I was flipping through the pages when I happened across their “Ventile Hunting Jacket.”  It was quite fetching.  I could easily picture myself proudly clad in what is described as “unquestionably the greatest breathable, waterproof upland hunting jacket ever made. Thoughtfully constructed and cut from the world’s best hunting fabric-Ventile®.”  For a mere $595 I could guarantee an entire season of longing, sidelong glances from Dear Kyle who I think, deep down, wants to be me.  Or, at the very least, considers me his mentor in this, the upland shooting life. 

Anyway, feeling quite satisfied with myself, I poured a snifter of brandy and sank into my rich leather chair (with matching leather ottoman).  With my old setter’s head resting on my lap, I stayed up into the wee hours jotting the most profound musings and wingshooting insights into my Mulholland Bros.  jotter ($190).  ‘Tis the season!